This is a short piece I wrote for Creative Writing class. It’s a parody of those self help novels people love to take advice from.

How to Become a Pokémon Master

First day of third grade, try to be social and talk to people. Immediately realize you are painfully awkward and then retreat quietly to the beanbag chairs near the bookcase. Pick out a Choose Your Own Adventure book. The cover reads The Cave of Time. Fail to realize the connection between this title and your room. Here you will clock thousands of hours behind the most recent Harry Potter novel, which you are reading for the fifth time. Avoid all human interaction save your passive mother shouting up the stairs, “Steven! Do you want mustard on your sandwich?!” Read at least one book a week. This is critical to distract you from the fact that you are creating a life of depressing isolation.
Convince your mom that you need a TV in your room to watch Scooby Doo before bedtime. Realize halfway through an episode that the lawyer Mr. Jones is pretending to be a ghost to scare Shaggy away from his inheritance. Scoff at the kids who had to wait until the unmasking. A commercial comes on and you see a perky yellow mouse erupt from a ball and shock the hell out of what you will lovingly call a Weedle. Words cannot describe your joy. The picture of this burnt and beaten bug etches into your retina, and you know exactly what to do with your life.
You want to be the very best: like no one ever was.
Flying down the stairs at a pace you did not dare to approach during the Presidential Fitness Test, you search frantically for your mom and run unfortunately into your step dad Stephen. You think he is a total douche, mostly because he excels at all the things in life you detest. Revel in the fact that your names are spelled differently. You try to circumvent his bulk only to be thwarted by his large gut, which is almost as great as his desire for you to like him. Tell him you need this Pokémon, but don’t give it up like Swiper in Dora the Explorer, make him work for it. “Poke- ee-man?” he says with the inflection of a particularly dumb girl who’s just pretty enough to overlook her ACT score.
Reluctantly accept his ride to Target and listen to his terrible country music, this is the required pain and suffering. As soon as he parks, throw the door open and leave it open for him to deal with, the more time you have alone in the store the better. Now inside, you stand, awestruck by the materialistic altar beckoning you forth. “Red or Blue?” This question echoes in your mind with unparalleled difficulty. You recall your mother saying something about red cars having higher insurance, and not being one to stand out, you go Blue, and bask in the glory of Blastoise’s water cannons.
Back at the Cave, nestled safely in your racecar bed, sheltered, NO!, protected from reality by your Batman blanket, you furiously unsheathe the newfound treasure. After the formalities with Professor Oak, pick Squirtle, you’re a turtle yourself after all.
Hop onto the bus with your head hung low, so everyone notes your insecurity complex, and make your way to school. Brood in silence as usual, but casually think of your life as one in the same with Ash Ketchum’s.
On the playground you see other children engrossed in their GameBoys. Suddenly your desire to Catch Em’ All overrides your heretofore inescapable ineptitudes, and you make your first friends out of necessity. Always carry your link cable with you, and never shy away from a battle. After earning a reputation as the best player in school, a young boy will approach and contest your crown. This is your rival. Call him Gary. Ignore his whiny persisting that his name is Matthew.
Years fly by as you spend your time either in your room playing or discussing strategy and the ickiness of girls at Gary’s house. You are a late bloomer in many ways. Disillusionment finally comes crushing down on your newly pubescent body in sophomore Geometry, as you stare longingly at Allison Archer’s supple breasts. Recall that she gave you the nickname Poopypants in 4th grade. Sulk.
You sit with a full Pokedex that seems hollow now more than ever, and your severe lack of life experience becomes omnipresent in your mind. As the class bell rings, stand. With the social tools comparable to early man, prepare yourself, and stumble into the unknown.

http://www.mediafire.com/?ajdydbzxn12

This dude is a 35 year old rapper from New Orleans who spent many years of his life as a homeless nomad, and has lived in Atlanta, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., Denver, and Detroit. Eventually producer Just Blaze became his mentor, and since then Nas has been working with him closely, in addition to T.I. and Diddy. With that said, the underground rap scene is praising him as the second coming but he hasn’t has a lot of commercial exposure.

Walker: Anthropology is shifting my opinions on life.

Jacob: Yeah man it’ll do that, learning about other cultures is the only way to recognize that ours actually isn’t so superior. That’s a good excerpt tho, we may be vastly superior economically but that just makes us think we can buy anything we want. That it’s just a matter of having enough resources and making the trade. I think that tends to make us think that having money is equivalent to earning it, because all it becomes is a means to some materialistic end. People can’t distinguish between having a thing and having something they have truly earned. I think now it might all trace back to our economy, I mean now that I think about it, propaganda shapes our worldview and values, and the most propaganda we get comes from TV, radio, billboards, etc., all advertising for products and things. And of course their goal is to make you think you’ll be happier with whatever thing than without it. Weird dude, that’s crazy cuz back in the day there wasn’t really much advertising and we were happier with less, but now we all want a little more, always something else to get and we’re not happy till we can afford it. Weird. Sorry bout the rant, I was just goin with the train of thought. Lol I bet those happy cultures don’t have millions of ads a day telling them they need more stuff. Ha and that wasn’t planned for me to relate back to advertising, just happened.

Walker: Haha no I like that. Advertisement is definitely selling happiness. We’re actually taught that. Grey heads talk about back in the good old days and it’s actually quite true, although it’s dismissed as bull. Dude I was thinking how much happier I’d probly be, if I had been born into a tribe in the Amazon. Trekking through South America or New Guinea is now a new personal goal.

Jacob: Ha yeah man, that’s a good goal. The happier thing might be questionable though bc I think happiness is too relative to judge by an objective scale. But actually you might be happier bc you’re more content with what you have, idk.

Walker: I actually already took that into consideration cuz it’s in that chapter. I think the concept of happiness of tribal peoples is much more center on kinship, emotional fulfillment, and honesty. And there is less social striation, i.e. class division, which allots more equality.

Jacob: Yeah exactly. I think it also has a lot to do with the ignorance is bliss thing. Development was definitely a good thing though.

Walker: Definitely. Good discussion haha.

Jacob: Ha yeah. We’ll eventually get to an equilibrium though even with technology. But I personally think it will be as a hive species as ridiculous as that might sound. A superorganism.

Walker: I can see that happening in the far future. Like the humans in Wall-E that’r all hooked up to the TVs

Jacob: I can see it’s already happening. It’s been generations but technology is what’s really going to enable it.

Walker: How so? (that’s posed to the happening for generations)

Jacob: I mean look around you. Look at the city you’re in, how different is that from a human body where millions of cells operate independently with their own self interest in mind, and the result is what we call a living organism. How different is it? Do you ever think how amazing it is how everything runs so smoothly with cars and people and everyone all doing their own thing but it’s all coordinated without someone on top directing everything. You think our brain micromanages every cell’s activities or the activities within those cells? It’s the same. I mean look at how intricate our social networks have become. Look at the fact that an event can happen anywhere on the planet and within minutes everyone, people everywhere know about it and are on the same page. At least those with computers. Even look at something like the rapidly growing rave culture, I’ve got a decent argument for that and to support this all but it’s not fully developed bc I’ve only been contemplating it for a few months, so i don’t really want to give it bc it would be too easy to refute parts.It’s just food for thought. I don’t think you’ll agree with it. Maybe after I have thought about it more I can present it better.

Walker: Fair enough. Honestly the argument you make is very potent, but do you ever think that it’s completely wrong?

Jacob: Haha no not at all. I think it’s pretty right so far, but I haven’t got all the reasons down so it’s bound to shift. The only reason I told you is cuz I knew you’d disagree and think it’s ridiculous.

Walker: Not at all. I think it’s plausible. I’m not getting at my opinion. I’m analyzing your thoughts on your thoughts. That is, have you convinced yourself this is right, or do you somewhat doubt it?

Jacob: No I haven’t convinced myself anything, I don’t do that, but I do try to make connections. If I see something that totally refutes this I’d abandon it, but so far since I’ve been thinking about it as a possibility all I’ve seen is evidence to support it and refute other ideas, so I don’t know, but it makes sense in a creepy way.

Although he definitely put a lot of thought into these ideas, he cites

The Lucifer Principle

by Howard Bloom as a source of inspiration.

this dude is a beast. not very popular now, but he’s miles away from soulja boy.